When Someone's Kindness Becomes Your Clutter
What to do about all those gifts you don’t want in your house
What is that smell that permeates nursing homes? Boiled cube steak? With a touch of toilet ammonia? And a faint whiff of sleep sweat?
Our visit with Aunt Judy in the memory care unit started with that question and ended with a directive to “pick out a nutcracker and take it with you.”
Oh Judy.
You know how we all have something that we collect over the years. Or that people think we collect because one day at Stuckeys we exclaimed, “Look! They have a license plate magnet with my name on it!” and someone thought “Vivian thinks magnets with her name on them are cool.”
And before you realize what you’ve done, everyone is giving you this shit and you don’t feel like you can refuse their kind overture so now you have a refrigerator full of magnets that make you want to cry every time you walk in the kitchen because it looks so junky.
The lesson here is that you should never, ever say anything out loud in the presence of others about any object that you are not willing to commit your refrigerator to for as long as you both shall live.
The other lesson is this: When someone gives you a tacky magnet? You don’t have to put it on your fridge. Even if it has your name on it.
When someone gives you one of their paintings and it’s not exactly the aesthetic direction you’re going in your home? You don’t have to hang it above the fireplace in the living room. Or anywhere else.
When someone gives you an orange cashmere sweater that makes you feel like the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown? You don’t have to wear it. Ever. Not even the one time you go to their house for dinner.
Also? You actually don’t even have to keep any of these things.
Really.
I know that sounds wrong, but I’m going to say it again because it’s true. I’m also going to say it in all caps because it is IMPORTANT.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO KEEP ANYTHING YOU DON’T LIKE JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE GAVE IT TO YOU.
As a professional home organizer, I’ve been in a lot of homes, helping a lot of people declutter and downsize and if I had a dollar for every time someone said, “I can’t get rid of that. My neighbor Phyllis gave it to me.”
Do you like it?
“Her great grandmother’s cousin knitted it by candlelight while the men were bickering over the writing of the Declaration of Independence and she was planning to give it to General Washington when she ran into him down there at the Valley Forge, but she got tuberculosis and died.”
Do you want it in your home?
“I can’t get rid of it. What will Phyllis say when she comes over for coffee and doesn’t see this blanket hanging over the back of my sofa?”
I mean…Phyllis will probably say, “Hey, you don’t have Granny’s blanket on the sofa anymore.”
And you’ll say, “I know! Doesn’t the room look …. lighter (or brighter or cleaner or more modern)?”
And Phyllis will say, “Yes, it does.”
And you will not feel bad about this because the truth is that Phyllis is not nearly as attached to this Paul Revered revolutionary grandma blanket as you think she is.
I know this because if Phyllis loved this blanket? It would be in her house. And not yours.
Your home is not a storage unit for someone else’s unwanted stuff.
Your home is where you live. It is where you live. It is where you live.
Which brings us to the little sister of the ALL CAPS MAXIM, which is this:
If someone tries to give you something and you don’t want it?
You can say, “No. Thank you.”
I mean you probably can’t do this if they’ve wrapped something up and are presenting it to you in that moment after you’ve licked the frosting off the knife but before you’ve taken a bit of cake. Because you are not rude.
But.
If you’re in someone’s home and they ask you if you’d like to pick out a nutcracker and take it home with you? You can totally say, “No. Thank you.”
Which FYI is also an appropriate answer if you’re smelling boiled cube steak and they ask you to stay for lunch.
Your favorite “permission to say no” giver,
Vivian
PS. What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve held onto just because someone gave it to you? Hit reply and tell me (or share it in the comments 👇🏼).
Bonus points if it’s weirder than a Revolutionary War tuberculosis blanket.
Omg, in the mid 90's while still in design school we bought a small house that was basically all white. The kithcen had white formica, a white ceramic sink, th ewalls were all white and the appliances too. My style was very modern, minimalish. Creative me, decided I was going to paint some black and white abstract blobs on the backsplash above the countertops. As we made friends in our new city people kept giving me things with 'cow print' patterns on them!! First it was dish towels that were white with black 'cow pattern' blobs on them, okay, I could use some dishtowels, right?! Then it was pot holders and little cow salt and pepper shakers, and tea pots. I was like, what in the hell???? Then one of my husband's friends and his wife came over, with the teapot, i think and said since you like cows we got you this. I was like, whaaaat? I don't like cows! They said since you had the splotches on your wall we thought it was for cows. LOL 🤦🏾♀️ Cows had never occurred to me, but I was living in Georgia!